Here's the inaugural post of the MGTOW Survival Guide! I'm kicking this off with The Rough Guide to Single Moms by Zenking...
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I thought I would set down a “rough guide” for men thinking about starting a relationship with a single mom and what some of the ramifications are of dating and entering into a deeper relationship with a single mom could be. Of course this guide does not apply to all women or all men but it will list the main problems I have observed through over the years.
Contrary to popular media-myth I have yet to meet a single mom who was career driven, carefree, balanced, happy; doing it all type gal as often portrayed in most media outlets. The reality I have seen over the years is usually a stressed out, overworked, debt stricken woman who really had no idea children cost so much in time, effort and money. Their careers are on hold as they need to balance their child with sickness, school activities etc… versus moving up whatever career ladder they are on. Most single moms are raising their children with help of an extended family member (usually their mom), a bevy of friends and other single moms they find in support groups. It is usually not a pretty picture at all.
Somewhere along the way, usually quite quickly they come up with the idea that they need a “partner” to help them in their new enterprise of having a child and the sooner they can get one the better. Realizing they have a bit of a disadvantage with having a child and being in the dating scene they resort to several well known strategies to get a partner.
One of the first strategies is to engage men who do not have children of their own. This allows the woman to portray the semblance of having and raising a kid is easy and there will always be a balance between their relationship with their partner and their child. Sometimes they will portray themselves as helpless victims, victimized by an evil and absent father – they need saving and you can save them. Another popular scheme is to make themselves look accomplished and together by extending their debt to ridiculous levels to portray they are all right and don’t really need a partner. There are quite a few more, but like I said, this is a rough guide.
One of the strategies is to involve the child with the prospective “partner” almost right away and foster a relationship between the man and her child. This allows a lot of leverage on several levels as time goes by. It allows for huge amount of guilt and shame if the man wants to break off the relationship, allows a bonding to take place that is hard to shuck off and other factors… You will hear phrases such as “any man who loves me must love my children!” etc…All designed to appeal to a mans sense of chivalry and protection. This hopefully facilitates a sense of belonging together and in the end marriage.
Most single men are unaware of what is going on when they start to date a single mom. It seems that the child is around, but it is pleasant, there is a clear distinction between adult and child time etc… it seems actually for most men, not a bad time at all. This allows the single mom to get the man closer and farther into the relationship. What is really going on is a shit-load of help from the single moms friends and other helpers. Tons of babysitting services, tips on dating, comparing notes and plans etc… No matter what you see as a man there is something else going on – do not forget that. Her plan is to eventually get a partner one way or another. You are the prize and she is going to earn it.
One trait that seems to come to the forefront with most men who are dating single moms is just how wonderful a woman they really are. Most men cannot for the life of them figure out why another man would abandon a woman like her. It has been stated hat single moms are more caring, compassionate, great lovers, excellent cooks, laugh at all your jokes etc…they seem to be ideal mates.
What is actually going on is well planned and orchestrated strategies to get a man into a relationship. I don’t know how many men have loudly complained that after marriage they were suddenly now doing most of the cooking, cleaning, and repairing around the house with zero time like they had before. I don’t know how many have said it was like night and day after they moved in. The kind compassionate woman the men met had some how now been replaced by a truly different woman, it was like another personality type than the one they married. In short a single mom knows she has to work harder to get a man and she will work harder, but for many the act cannot last that long and the real woman reveals herself. Usually his occurs just after marriage.
A lot of men though go for it and involve themselves in marriage with a single mom and do not really know some of the problems they will encounter. Here is a short list of several common problems that begin to creep up:
1. Being a “partner” means you get to pay for half- if not more. I have noticed after marriage a single mom works at dizzying speed to make sure her mans name is on all of the bills. She also will usually demand money also for a huge amount of her child’s expenses. It is also expressed as a part of “loving her and showing it”. I have seen men putting money away for college for a kid that’s not his. Buying ridiculous amounts of brand name clothes, expensive homes etc… all in an effort to be in a so-called “family”.
2. The Family you just got into is by invitation only. In most traditional marriages that produce children, the man, woman and child or children make up he basic family unit. In being a step- parent you are not the basic unit. The mother and child together are the basic unit. You are invited in and can be un-invited whenever mom feels it to be so. No matter what is said or mentioned before marriage, you will never come before her child. You will always be in a family and relationship where you come second, maybe third.
3. No matter what you think… her ex is going to be there forever. In just about every case the child’s father does not seem to be in the picture during the dating and courtship stage but seems to suddenly show up after. The reality is he was always there, your partner just never mentioned it…. The father will most naturally want to have a relationship with his child and he is going to be quite involved most of the time. Just about every time you will be dragged into the endless bickering and fights they have and you will not be liked by him…its only natural remember… also be sure to take into account the grandparents, uncles and aunts and all the family functions you will be attending with him, his child, his ex (your partner) and his side of the family. Get used to being uncomfortable.
4. Her kid will most likely not like you very much. Let’s face it you’re sleeping with their mom and most of the time the child will see you as a roadblock to his parents getting back together. Most likely the mom has made you the giver of discipline in the relationship, being the man and all…which results in the kid hating you. Or after watching the child run amok for weeks after you arrive you change juniors’ schedule to include some discipline and then you also hated even more. An amazing amount of men involved with single mothers report how the child hates them, but he can keep buying gifts to try to win their affection. Some call it the ATM effect of diminishing returns.
5. All that time you had together with your new love will end after marriage. The number one job of a single mom is simply to be a mom. She is not a party girl, hiker, camper, biker, clubber etc… Just be prepared for a frontal assault on your time and money after marriage. You will find your weekdays taken up with homework, PTA meetings, suppers at home, and early bed times. Weekends will be the time for the child’s extra-curricular activities and other activities. If a single man is wondering what happens ask any father of children how their time is spent, it will not be on hobbies. You will hear endlessly the phrase “we are a family now and this is what a family does” of course your idea on family will differ…but it is her family and she will make the choices.
6. You will wonder what happened to all your money. Most men involved with a single mom report that their money seems to dry up. Children are expensive- expensive like most men have no idea. Between school supplies, clothing, vast amounts of food, babysitters if you ever want to go out, medications, fees, sports, supplies, toys and such… well, there will be little left.
As a footnote there is also another ploy by some single moms that men also forget about. The child’s father is paying for a lot of these things. Quite a few men have reported that their wife or girlfriend was getting them to pay for such things as sport fees, equipment, university funds, school supplies and such but at the same time getting the child’s father to pay for these things also. Double billing, also called fraud, is quite common but it does allow the single mom to have almost zero expenses for her child as two men are now paying for junior….
Another ploy that is quite horrific was a man whose wife owned a home and he moved in with her and her child. Although he fixed it up, paid half the mortgage and expenses- she had willed the home to her children. When confronted she said since she would be dead she did not care if he had a home or not, her child came first. So be careful with matters of money. Very careful.
7. You will never really be accepted. I have observed time and time again the heartbreak of a step parent as the child gets older. After putting them through school, providing a place to live, food, getting the child all kinds of gifts and honestly really caring about the child and such I keep hearing this one story over and over. The time comes for a grad or a wedding, the step parent thinks he might be lauded for his sacrifices but instead is shunted to a back seat or not invited as the child invites mom and dad to the party…and thanks them for all their love and work. Usually there is not even an acknowledgement of effort.
8. You will now be part of the single moms’ network. Be prepared to help out all her buddies as they helped her out. Endless weekends and nights of babysitting the other single moms kids so that they too may date and get a man. You will also discover why 75% of all people in jail come from single mother households. Try not to have any expensive items around…
9. Now that the single mom is now married she will need to impress her single mom friends with her new found happiness. Her happiness will usually include a new home in a good neighbourhood, new clothing, new items for the home, new car etc… there is an unwritten law it seems among a lot of single moms that they compete ruthlessly with their friends. If she does get married she needs to show them her new found prestige. Be prepared for huge new expenses.
10. You will have no time for errors. A lot of single men get involved with the single mom and her kids when the child is a bit older. Being inexperienced with children becomes a huge burden as the single man has no time to learn parenting skills…and mistakes are not readily forgiven nor forgotten when a kid is 4 compared to 14.
11. You may think it ends, but it never does. I know many men whose single mom wife promised them a completely different life after junior turned 18 or so. At the beginning of the relationship it looked like just a few years and then total privacy and freedom. Then years later they found out that junior is going to go to university for 6 years after taking a gap year off and not worry about a job as he will live at home. After that the story usually is that the child gets married and has kids and needs a ton of babysitting services. The dream of trips abroad, moving to a nicer place etc… evaporates for most men. They just wind up being early grandparents. The other option that happens a lot is the girls have children early and stay at home. Not only is the man taking care of his wife’s child he also has to care for her grandchild now!
12. You will have nothing to show for it. In the end when most men have their own children the work and effort is well worth it. The men did their best and raised a family, continued a line, get grandchildren…etc… As a step-parent you have contributed as much but you have nothing. Nobody carries on your name and most men realize they are not even ever thanked for their sacrifice.
13. The legalities can kill you. There have been numerous cases where a man has divorced or left a single mom and then found himself liable financially for her child. Although not the father he will be responsible for child payments, extra fees and most certainly university far after they are 18….check the laws out, it’s a raw deal. Couple that with some alimony and you get the whole effect of being a divorced and homeless dad with not one child of your own….
In the end women have asked for their freedom to make their own choices now for decades. I would advise all single men to let single moms make their choice of having a child by themselves and then live with it. Don’t involve yourself with these women under any circumstances. It can be in many ways, the death of a man.
Well it’s a rough guide and you were warned… -----------------
Look for more soon!
Any guy who dates a single mom is a dead man walking. Period.
ReplyDeleteExcellent MM!
ReplyDeleteEspecially on what happens after you marry.
One item that might be added to the list of false "inducements," pre marriage, that goes away post marriage, is sexual availablity. As you mentioned, single moms don't have time for slow courtships. Or for many courtships. The support network you mentioned is designed to keep the brat out of the way for a breif period only. So, the single mom typically "puts out" early, and often. She will try to ensare a single guy who is, to use the PUA term, a "beta." A nice, but shy guy, who hasn't had a lot of success with women in his younger years (his age peer group women, incluiding the single mom, were screwing, and getting knocked up by, "bad boys"), makes a juicy target. Give him sex early (first or second date), and often (every subsequent date). Needless to say, after marriage, there just "isn't time" for much sex, what with all the BS child-centered activities you mentioned.
Awesome.
ReplyDeleteFred Reed of
ReplyDeletewww.fredoneverything.net
seems to have done all right with a single mom.
Of course, that was in Mexico.
I once considered dating a single mom. Erica was her name. But every time she had her little Sireena with her, the little womb turd went out of her way to utterly ruin and destroy whatever conversation her mom and I got going. The moment the vibes started getting intense, the moment we started clicking, the little shit started causing trouble with her constant fuckery.
ReplyDeleteErica would always be forced to stop our dialogue to put Sireena in her place, which would work for a few minutes. But the very instant we re-entered The Zone (anyone who's ever been in love would know what I'm talking about), Sireena started acting up once more, upon which Erica would cut our dialogue short and start the whole cycle all over again.
Meanwhile, I had no choice but to endure the endless barrage of Sireena's bullshit because I was just a man. I had absolutely NO authority except to plead with Sireena to please stop acting up. Anything sterner would've gotten Erica pissed off ("how dare you talk to my kid like that, you fucking asshole!!") and that would've been the end.
After the fifth time Sireena played this game, I came to my fucking senses and shunned Erica's company thereafter. I knew at this point I would NEVER have her to myself because Sireena would always come before me.
Spectacular article, brother. Whatever doubts I had about dodging the bullets have been officially dispelled. Well done.
And no, the names have NOT been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. I don't care of the Erica OR her little brat see my comment, in fact, I fucking hope they do.
ruddyturnstone's comments.
ReplyDeleteThat mainly works for men under age 35 and especially under 30 - when he's still hot with libido. The countermeasures for single-mom's targeting system:
*Realizing that hobbies, interests, and living his own life as he sees fit are FAR, FAR more joyful than women, or even sex itself
*Realizing that horniness is basically a narcotic-like state of mind. Kike a destructive street drug, horniness can really hurt your life if you don't fight that high
*Men's sex drive DROPS with age gradually. Noticably lower at 30, to the point of being somewhat resistable. At 35, even more so. At 40? Well, look forward to this, young men. At 40, it's like "Sex?...ehh, ok!" Trust me, (supposed) betas - in the long run, you'll end up being the alpha in happiness. Whatever losses you had in your sex life will be more than compensated by a LACK of nagging, time demands at home, screaming children, having to answer to a wife, squabbles about what to eat or watch or when or how to decorate your house. Heck, even without the "mother" issue, this still holds true.
So cheer up and concentrate on enjoying your freedom. Life's much simpler and relaxed that way.
This is a great guide to dating single moms. Along with RuddyTurnStone's comment, it's 100% correct.
ReplyDeleteDon't buy in men, it's a dog and pony show designed to sell you used beef at an outrageous price. That's not a classic Corvette you are buying, it's a fifteen year old Toyota Corolla. And you'll be paying for it... through the nose... forever.
If you find out she has a kid, RUN, do NOT walk, the F**K AWAY. Yup, that's right. She pops a kid, she is ruined for LIFE. Sounds hard-hearted, but it's true. All you will get is the opportunity to spend a lifetime paying for some other motherfuc**ker's mistake.
ReplyDeleteIMO, divorce is one thing and divorce and remarrying with children, particularly young ones, is a whole different ball of wax. Only under a few circumstances is remarriage with children emotionally beneficial to all involved.
ReplyDeleteA few years ago my friend was commissioned by the Catholic Church to write a workbook for a seminar they wanted to do call Blended Families. This was in response to the fact that The Brady Bunch is not real life.
But one benefit for a man dating a woman with a child could be that he gets to observe the child and consequently know the mother real quick.
Zenking,
ReplyDeleteReally great article - and "spot on" too. I made the mistake with a woman who had two cute girls. She played me like a fish, just as you describe. And I, being a typical nice guy beta, fell for it like a bait of herring.
I should add that these woman also love to get impegnated by the new guy, often under the guise that they "would love a child with the man they REALLY love". Then, as soon as the child is born, they divorce you. Now they get childsupport from TWO men, (or more). Quite the scam.
It pretty much destroyed me, I lost everything, including a 43 foot sailboat I owned before the marriage (this in Washington State, where females rule) and had to live in my car for two years, swamped with child support, alimony and attorney fees. A brutal learning curve, guys, so pay attention to this article!!1
I dated a single mom once. Scary experience. She thought I was a beta and wanted to play me. She was talking "true love" almost right away and how she was nervous about meeting my parents. Meanwhile, there were obvious signs she was still hanging with other guys. I didn't know the true nature of women at the time (was only 24) but my instincts warned me off. I caught her flirting with other guys at a bar and dumped her ass.
ReplyDeleteNow looking back, it was obvious that she was trying to lure me into a bs marriage to get child support. Fortunately, there were a lot of tells so even a young naive guy could tell what was going on.
The only moms I'll nail are those who have grown children who are out of the house. They are at least 45 years old and have a monster sex drive. Of course, finding a 45 year old woman who is attractive is quite a challenge. They're more likely to accept the speech about not wanting to marry - a lot are just happy to be with a younger guy. It's the 18-35 year olds that you have to watch like a hawk. They barely have any job skills and so even if they did have time to work they would still be getting the big boss his coffee and making minimum wage. Their lives are miserable. Don't be the ladder they use to get out!
ReplyDeleteHiya, thanks for a really enlightening weblog, I don't as a rule attach posts but enjoyed your blog post and so thought I would personally say thanks -- Lauren
ReplyDeletemy site > dating
Great stuff. I just wrapped up dating a single Mom for about 9 months who has a 6 year old daughter. Everything was going along smooth until one day recently she wanted me pickup HER daughter at school in the middle of my work day. This got rolled up into "If you love me you will love my daughter and you should have my back in in these situations". Although when we first met we both agreed we did not want to marry again, I recently learned that she does in fact want to live with me (or someone) and split bills, "be a part of a family" and really wants someone to be a Rent-a-Daddy to her daughter and her meal ticket. Her finances are a mess (she had filed bankruptcy once already and still swimming in credit card , auto, and school loan debt). Sad thing is I really dug her and would continue seeing her had it not been for her ultimatum of me working toward loving her daughter as my own and goals for "being a family", living together, etc. Sad we broke up but seems like a suicide mission to continue it. She is back out on the dating websites looking for that magical guy to take care of her and her child. Hope she finds someone like but it is not me.
ReplyDeleteYou have written a blog about being in a marriage with kids whether biological or not. The same exact complaints you make about a single mom you have just married are the same exact complaints men have in a marriage with kids period. Ya its not always fun. Thats why divorce is so high. The man and woman cant seem to get along anymore and they divorce. If all these men are so great then why arent they demanding custody of their children upon divorce? When a single mom gives birth to your child....you have every right as a man to take her to court and get full custody!!! Why isnt that happening? Oh ya...because these men dont want kids. If a man does happen to want their children and do get custody its like want to be treated like gods. The woman has to bow down to the man and the kid who isnt the womans kid. Oh wait a second...same scenario with the single mom. Wow. Hmmmm. Most woman i know run for the hills when they meet a single dad. They dont want to be mommy to a kid who isnt theirs. Same exact situation with the single mom. Its not a sexist thing. Woman are not bad because they give birth. Men are not bad because they fathered a child. Just think of all the barren womb and blank sperm women and men in this world. Those people are not supposed to carry their gene pool on. Hahaha. Dont hate on people because their bodies work how they are supposed to. Society hates single parents period, whether its a man or a woman.
ReplyDeleteWell, there is a steady decrease in marriage, with a recent increase in out if wedlock births. Just goes to show you that even modern marriages that result in biological kids are still pretty dangerous.
ReplyDelete